If I am being honest, I still feel very hurt by a letter I got in July from an organization* calling itself inclusive. The letter was in regards to the removal of the mask mandate. I have been wanting to post about it. I think my early posts may not have been constructive. I had to go through a mourning period for what I lost. But as I have come to accept my exclusion I wanted to go and try to educate on what not to say to those who are disabled or disadvantaged. And to put my words on paper helping me further reach acceptance, let go, and start a new chapter without what used to be so important to me.
The other reason I write this is because I initially felt very alone in my feelings. But over a period of time, I have come to understand that I am not the only one who feels this way. This doesn't equal everyone I have talked to had exactly the same reaction, but similar feelings of anger, lack of community and/or lack of caring.
*I've decided not to list the organizations name.
Quotes and my responses below:
Quote 1 "as we continue a measured yet deliberate easing of restrictions".
This isn't a race to remove restrictions. This was a point where COVID was consistently high and getting higher. No, we need to look at where COVID is.
Quote 2 "most notably, over the last several months, we have successfully implemented mask-optional scenarios" (describes various settings).
Exactly what are you using to measure success. The most successful period to me was when we were in services masked and then went and everyone ate outdoors. Brining the food indoors felt like a huge downhill to me limiting who I could socialize with and causing me to have to rush to get food quickly and bring it out before too many people took their masks off. For others, there may have been other times that felt more successful. Maybe even prior to all this when everybody was together on zoom or online. Unless you have actual stats, don't tell me what is and isn't successful. If you do tell me exactly what was asked, what were the results and how you got the sample.
Not exactly a quote 3, but list of random reasons including vaccines.
This really felt like a lot of gaslighting. And let's be honest the vaccine status wasn't really being checked after awhile anymore. It is much easier for staff to tell if people are masked, than vaxed. And my understanding anyways is it isn't hard to get a fake vaccine card, especially when they are being looked at quickly.
And while I am overall pro-vax, I do know some people who vax isn't good for. I know two people in real life who got COVID, probably have long COVID and when get vaxed their health declines. I know additional people from the internet like this. I know two others who have told me they can't be for health reasons without explaining. In fact, vax is a problem for more people I know than masking. Of course, those who truly can't mask should not be masked, but my understanding is that this has always been an exception. And more reason the rest of us should.
Quote 4 "Honor each other, respect each other, value each other"
I'm going to tell a story of some pictures I saw from this organization here. I don't have time to go searching for the pictures so I'm doing this mostly from memory. But these were my impressions:
Indoor picture 1: I think all or mostly white higher paid non-physical labor staff w/very little masking.
Indoor picture 2: All black maintenance staff with all masked (if I remember correctly).
And I ask this question: Have you ever thought about how your not masking, might impact the lives of maintenance staff if you gave them a disease that in 1 and 5 cases causes long term problems and disability?
Quote 5 "For some the loosening of restrictions has felt fast and frightening".
This is not about us being fearful. Some of us have very real world problems that we have every right to be afraid of. It doesn't even have to always be that we have some dangerous medical condition either. Some of us if we lose our ability to work due to long covid may fall from middle class into poverty. Others may have to turn over children to an abusive ex-spouse if they became disabled. Or both. Telling us this is all about our fear just stinks of privilege.
Quote 6 "For others continued restrictions of any kind have felt burdensome" (Keeping in mind at this point this organization had already moved to serving food indoors unmasked).
There are already no restrictions on gathering for food indoors and all that is being asked is that in non-food events people wear a mask*. The same organization asks men to wear yamakas in places. Not to mention shirts and shoes. What is this great burden?
*This would of course exclude those with disabilities that preclude them from wearing a mask or who are too young to wear a mask. Which is a whole other reason the rest of us should be.
Quote 7 in bold "It is of the utmost importance we fully respect and honor each others's personal practices"
So, you are now not only telling me I have to take this additional risk, which might have been workable with some boundaries, you are basically telling me I can't set any boundaries either. Because if I set boundaries to keep myself and family safe it might offend someone.
Also, when people were complaining about wearing masks, they were never told they needed to be respectful. This is simply a way of pushing the agenda of those who don't want to mask and demanding silence from those impacted.
And this is the point when I am gone.
Quote 8 continued "As we enter this new chapter".
I can't enter this chapter with you. It isn't safe for me and my family. This is the end of my book.
Quote 9 "This is a fundamental aspect of our community's core values"
Exactly, what are the values you speak of? Keep your mouth shut? You do you and don't worry about others?
Quote 10 "For the more vulnerable members of our community we very, very, very much see you".
If you see me act like it. Because I have to tell you right now, I feel pretty invisible (and gaslighted). And to be honest half a year later, it feels like only a handful of people still remember I exist.
Quote 11 (continued from quote 10-it's a lot to unpack) "and recognize the natural fears and concerns"
Please, just stop with calling people who are disabled and disadvantaged fearful. Honestly, this is just makes us feel like you have a complete lack of empathy for us.
Quote 12 "For anyone who would like to identify their own personal strategy...reach out to us"
Those of us who can't risk COVID, especially repeat COVID are exhausted. Stop placing the burden on us. And I'm sorry my experience is that as I'm not a big donor, I'm generally not listened to anyways. My ideas go straight into the garbage can.
Quote 13 "We are here to help you"
Mabye with listening and advice (often unsolicited). But when it comes to real life needs no one is going to be there for me*. I was in the hospital for days and not one person in this so-called community could be bothered to do so much as bring me a cell phone charger, give me a ride home or even visit me**. How much faith do you think I have that anyone will help me if I get permanent damage from long COVID from a maskless person?
*Unless it is a member who is trying to hook-up or get into a relationship with you (including one w/a girlfriend). Then you may get some physical help.
**And the craziest part of all this is that someone actually sort of made it sound like they were going to be helpful, only in the end for them to do nothing helpful and for me to drag myself down the day I got out of the hospital so they could pick-up boxes for a move.
Quote 14 "We need you".
If you can't even put a mask on to keep me safe, then sorry you really don't need me. You really don't care about me, you care about numbers and a few people more important than me who I suspect want this. Those are the people you need. I'm disposable.
Quote 15 "We are committed to you and your journey"
I feel like two things are true about this one: One this just isn't true.
And two: If you truly knew where my journey has taken me, you probably wouldn't be. Because at this point it has pretty much taken me away from my birth religion, other than culturally and a belief in God. But I've come to dislike organized religion. And I've come to find more meaning in Eastern (Asian) religions. And if I'm being honest as you can probably tell from the above, I'm pretty spiritually lost right now.
Quote 16 "Thank you for walking with us every step of the way"
No, just like you claim it is your choice to mask or not, it is also my choice to walk away.
Quote 17 "We look forward to seeing you at services soon".
How presumptive. The reality is there are many of us you will likely never see again, especially in person (other than a VERY small number of people who have reached out to hang out outdoors, only one of which has actually happened).
Really all that needed to be said was we are removing the mask mandate. No explanations. No gaslighting. It would have saved so many people, so much emotional pain. It was hard enough that it happened, why make our exclusion so much worse?
Rachelle Kaufman is the author of a number of books including An American Jew in Budapest (written prior to COVID). Rachelle is trying to get COVID under control, so she can get back to all the causes she used to fight for that didn't impact her life quite as much. For more info on her books please visit Amazon.com: Rachelle Kaufman: Books, Biography, Blog, Audiobooks, Kindle
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